Confidence

Okay, I know, it really has been too long. I think when I started this blog, I had the romantic notion of myself on the computer either early in the morning after my run, or in the evening while my husband put the kids to bed. Neither has happened on a regular basis as of late.

Early in the morning doesn't work well for a couple of reasons. One of which is that I am NOT a morning person. And the second reason is that I haven't been able to run or resume regular exercise of any sort until this week. You see, I had varicose vein surgery almost two weeks ago! I won't write about that yet, but let it be known that that experience was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I kind of enjoyed the anesthesia experience as a whole! It's the most carefree I've felt in years!!!

No, I want to write today about confidence! Remember that deodorant commercial years ago, "Confident, confident, dry and secure, raise your hand, raise your hand if you're sure!" Well, the truth is, having three kids in four years has not been easy on my confidence and sense of self. Part of that is because being a parent, for most of us, is very self-sacrificing. You do more things for the betterment of others in your life and not for yourself. I don't say that to have you think, oh, look at her, always helping others rah rah. I say it because for me it has been true.

I had a conversation with one of my HS friends last spring about making friends beyond HS and college. And she described her friends that she has coffee with once a week. She mentioned one of her friends and then said, "She's my you, my Amy. I mean, she's really got her act together." And I was shocked. Really? Do I really portray that attitude to others? That I've got my act together? Because for most of the time over the past four years, I've felt like I'm simply treading water. Not that some of that treading hasn't been wonderful and amazing, but still the learning curve is so high as a new parent three times over, that I feel lucky to keep my head above water.

I know that my family views me as confident and a take charge kind of person. We often laugh about the stories of summers when I would get the community education brochure and plan out my entire summer. I'd go from swimming lessons in the morning, to arts and crafts downtown, to home and lunch, then bike to canoeing class in Memorial Park and then take off to floor hockey at the high school. That's not even mentioning swimming with friends in the afternoon and organizing neighborhood night games in the evening. And I was EIGHT! So, yes, at that time I could do anything!

And then in junior high and high school I held many leadership positions and membership in lots of different activities and athletics: musicals, plays, declam, basketball, track, cross country, cheerleading (that may have been a minor misstep on my part!), band, choir, student council, peer helpers, etc. etc. I was a leader and except for in the area of boys, I was confident. College followed a fairly similar pattern although at that time, I guess I became more a part of the general crowd instead of being a leader.

In my early years of teaching I was fairly fearless and innovative, coaching too. But then my confidence began to erode a bit. Especially in the last four years, there are many times I can recall thinking back on the girl and young woman I'd been and thinking, "Where did she go? Where did that fearless girl go?" And the funny thing is, I couldn't really begin to determine why my confidence had suffered so much until recently.

For me, confidence has always been tied to a few things.

Appearance - okay, well since my physical appearance has changed several times in the past four years with three pregnancies that caused some difficulties in maintaining confidence, no matter how shallow that may be. And being pregnant and gaining weight was not the challenging part, I loved the whole deal, morning sickness, bloated ankles and all. The challenging part has been finding clothes that you feel good in when you've fluctuated so much in the past years. It's kind of like yo yo dieting with a purpose and three babies to show for it.

Work - Am I good at my job? Are the kids learning? Am I communicating with parents? Am I being a leader? In the past four years, I have taught two and a half years. So, I haven't been consistent in that area at all. And when you're home with little kids or working and picking up your kids, no matter what your situation, being a parent is not a very appreciated thing. Your two year old isn't going to say, "Thanks for this mac and cheese mommy. I know it was a hard day at work and this is the best you could muster up on such short notice. I love you anyway." No, he says, "Don't want mac and cheese!" and proceeds to feed it to the dog. Your four year old isn't going to say, "Mom, thanks for going to work today, and for vacumming too. I really appreciate the clean clothes." No, he says, "I don't wanna go to daycare. I wanna go to Grammie's!" And your baby won't say, "Mom, I know you're really tired, and your students were really taxing today. I think I'll just go to bed early and you can wake me in the morning." No, she doesn't go down until 10 and then proceeds to wake up every two hours to eat because she's trying to get her teeth! This has also been tied in to financial confidence. In the past year, I'd wonder why we struggled so much to make ends meet and why when compared to others our age we "had" less. Until I realized that I've essentially been part time and paying daycare when I have been full time.

Marriage - Am I a good wife? Am I giving my husband enough time and attention? When you have three little kids, it's impossible not to let something slide and the easiest thing to let go of is your marriage!

Now that I'm home, I'm reassessing my level of confidence and where my priorities lie.

As far as appearance goes, I'm doing okay. I'm trying to exercise on a regular basis and am finding clothes now that I hope will fit for a longer period of time. From my earlier posts, you know I've discovered the beauty school and so keeping my hair the way I wanted on a limited budget can now be accomplished. Plus, for the most part, I'm around other moms with young kids and I really don't care what I look like. Seriously, I dress for me and my kids and not for anyone else and that feels good too!

Work now is working at home. I described myself recently as a "recent stay at home mom." I guess you could also say I'm a "recovering teacher." Prior to this fall, I have said to many friends that I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it. And now, I don't know how I ever did it before! How did I teach, coach, maintain my home, be a wife, friend and a parent? The answer is that I truly did none of it as well as I wanted to. I wasn't as good of teacher or coach as I can be. My home was not maintained (although sometimes it still isn't!), my husband lost some of the girl he married and my kids got what was left over, which oftentimes wasn't much. No wonder I lacked patience and confidence! Now that I'm home I feel so much more focused and less fragmented. I can sit and read with my kids at any time during the day. I can go to the bathroom anytime I want (although I usually have company). I can have pancakes for breakfast and frosted flakes for lunch if I want. I can make a good supper for my family and we can sit down together. I can be what I am, and that's my kids' mom.

And, I can actually have conversations with my husband that aren't about what he doesn't do to help me, but about what I'm doing to help him and his children and what he does to help me and our children. The financial challenge hasn't gone away, but we're working on it and I think we'll be okay!

So, when Matt and I decided that it made sense for me to stay home with the kids, it wasn't the kids I worried about, or Matt or even our finances. It was me. Will I be able to do it? Will it drive me crazy? Will I feel trapped? Will this battle with my confidence continue to be a battle?

I'm surprised. Incredibly surprised, you could even say amazed. I can do it. I'm not crazy. I'm not trapped, I feel peacefully grounded. And my confidence? It's back! I can't believe it! For the first time in four years, I really feel like myself again. I don't wonder where that confident girl of my youth has gone, because crows feet and all, I'm right here and better than before.

What a journey this past month has been. Both for myself and my family. One of my favorite quotes came from one of the stores at the Mall of America - Autumn Cottage. It said, "Whatever you are, be a good one." And that's what I'm doing.